[In danger in London, she goes to live with Anne Howard in Cumberland, pp. 30 - 36]

[p. 30] Affter my brother [William Murray] was buried in the Savoy church, neere my father and mother, within few days I wentt againe to my brother Murray's, where I staid till the impertunity of my Lady H. [Anne Howard] prevailed with me to goe home with her to the North. My brother and sister aproved of itt, and C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] most willingly consentted to itt, resolving sodainly to follow mee and puplickly to avow what wee intended, and to live with a gentleman, a friend of his that was a great Royallist, where hee expected to be wellcome till such time as wee found itt convenientt for us to returne where wee had more interest. This beeing determined, I left all that concerned mee in such hands as hee advised, with hopes of preventing sequestration, butt itt fell outt unhapily, as many things els did, and occationed [p. 31] greater inconvenience.¹

One of the great motives that invited mee to goe North was that itt began to be discoursed of amongst many Parliament men that I had beene instrumentall in the Duke's escape, and, knowing that severall weemen were secured upon lese grounds, I thought itt best to retire for a time outt of the noise of itt. Itt was nott withoutt trouble that I left my brother and sister [Charles or Henry and Elizabeth], butt finding itt nesesary made itt the more easy.²

Wee began our journy September 10th, 1649, and had nothing all the way to disturbe us till wee came to H. [Hinderskelle], beyond Yorke, to a house of Sir C. H. [Sir Charles Howard], where his sisters lived.³

There in one night both Sir C. [Charles] and his lady fell so extreamely ill with vomitting and purging in so great violence that nothing butt death was expected to them both, and some were so ill natured as to say they were poisoned, butt itt pleased God they recovered. And then there son tooke the small poxe, who was about 3 yeare old, his feaver great and apearance of being extreordinary full; and by the advise of Sir Thomas Gore (who studied phisicke more for devertisement then gaine) hee tooke a purge which carried away a great part of the humour, so that nature, as hee said, would bee able to master the rest, and itt had so great succese that hee recovered perfectly well withoutt the least prejudice.⁴ I cannott butt mention this from the extreordinarynese of the cure.

As soone as his health would allow of travaile, wee tooke journy and came to N. [Naworth] Castle,⁵ where I was so obleigingly intertained by Sir Ch. [Charles] and his lady, and with so much respect from the whole familly, that I could nott butt thinke my selfe very hapy in so good a societty, for they had an excellent governed familly, having great affection for one another; all there servantts civill and orderly; had an excellent preacher for there chaplaine, who preached twice every Sunday in the chapell, and dayly prayers morning and evening. Hee was a man of a good life, good conversation, and had in such veneration by all as if hee had beene there tutelar angell.⁶

Thus we lived sometime together, with so much peace and harmony as I thought nothing could have given an interruption to itt. Butt itt was too great to last long, for the post (going by [p. 32] weekely) one day brought mee sad letters; one from C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] giving mee accountt that just the night before hee intended to come North, having prepared all things for accomplishing what we had designed, hee was taken and secured in the Gatehouse att Westminster, and could expect nothing butt death.⁷ With much dificulty hee had gott that conveyed outt to mee to lett mee know what condittion hee was in, and that hee expected my prayers, since nothing els I could doe could be avealable, for hee had some reason to aprehend those I was concerned in and might have influence upon was his enemys, and therefore I might expect litle assistance from them.

Presently affter I receaved a letter from my brother M. [Charles or Henry Murray] and another from my sister N. [Elizabeth, Lady Newton], his very seveare, hers more compasionate, but both representing C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] under the caracter of the most unworthy person living; that hee had abused mee in pretending his wife was dead, for shee was alive; and that her unckle Sir Ralph S. [Sydenham] had assured them both of itt, which made nott only them butt all that ever had kindnese for mee so abhorre him, that, though he were now likely to dye, yett none pittyed him.⁸

Had the news of either of these come singly itt had beene enough to have tryed the strengh of all the relligion and vertue I had, butt so to bee surrounded with misfortunes conquered what ever could resist them, and I fell so extreamely sicke that none expected life for mee. The care and concerne of Sir Ch. [Charles] and his lady was very great, who sent post to Newcastle for a phisitian, butt hee beeing sicke could nott come, butt, sentt things which proved ineffectuall. My distemper increased, and I grew so weake I could hardly speake. Aprehending the aproach of death, I desired my Lady H. [Anne Howard] to vindicate mee to my brother and sister, for as I was ignorant and inocentt of the guilt they taxed mee with, so I beleeved C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] was; and therefore I earnestly intreated her to writte to her father [Edward, Lord Howard of Escrick] to bee his friend, and that malice might nott bee his ruine, which shee promised; and having taken my last leave (as I thought) of them all, I desired Mr. N. [Nicholls] (the chaplaine) to recomende mee to the hands of my Redeemer, and I lay waiting till my change should [p. 33] come, and all was weeping aboutt mee for that I expected as the greatest good.

Butt itt seemes the mercy of God would nott then condemne mee into hell, nor his justice suffer mee to goe to heaven; and therefor continued mee longer upon earth that I might know the infinitenese of his power who could suport mee under that load of calamitys. Having laine some houres speechlese (how I employed that time may hereafter be knowne, if the Lord thinke fitt to make itt usefull unto any), I began to gape many times one after another, and I found sencibly like a returne of my spiritts, which Mrs. Cullcheth seeing, came to mee and told mee if I saw another in that condittion I could prescribe what was fitt for them; and therefore itt were a neglect of duty if I did not use what meanes I thought might conduce to my recovery. Her discourse made mee recollect what I had by mee that was proper for mee. I called to Crew (who served mee) for itt, and with the use of some cordialls, I sencibly grew better, to the satisfaction of all that was about mee. I confese death at that time had beene extreamely wellcome; but having intirely resigned myselfe up to the disposall of my gracious God, I could repine att nothing hee thought fitt to do with mee, for I knew hee could make either life or death for my advantage.

Though that was great disturbance to mee which my brother and sister had written to mee concerning C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] wife's being alive, yett I gave nott the least creditt to itt, because I thought there information might come from such as might report itt out of malice or designe, for none of her relations loved him because hee was nott of there principles. And a considerable part of her portion being still in there hands, I judged it might bee still to keep that they raised that story, which had little influence upon mee, because I gave itt noe beleefe, only looked upon itt as a just punishmentt to have that thought true now which I once mentioned when I thought itt nott true, only to conceale my intentions; for my Lord H. [Edward, Lord Howard] and my sister Murray [Anne Bayning Murray, her sister-in-law] (having observed C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] come sometimes when he durst steale abroad to see mee,) said to mee one night, "I [p. 34] lay a wager you will marry C. B. [Colonel Bampfield]" I smiled and said, "Sure, you would nott have mee marry another woman's husband!" They replied, they knew nott hee had beene maried; upon which I told them whose neece she was (whom they both knew) that was his wife.⁹ Butt I did nott say shee was dead, though att that time I beleeved it; and therefore now looked on this as inflicted for my disimulation, for God requireth truth in the inward parts, and I have a thousand times beged his pardon for that failing.

Upon these grounds itt was that I gave so litle intertainmentt to that story, and all my trouble and feares was affter I began to recover for C. B. [Colonel Bampfield], lest the Parliamentt should condemne [him] to dye, as they had many gallant gentlemen before; butt I was much suported one day by reading what fell outt to bee part of my morning devotion (Psa. 102, vers. 19, 20): "For hee hath looked downe from the height of his sanctuary ; from heaven did the Lord behold the earth. To heare the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are apointed to death." I cannott omitt to mention this because itt was so seasonable a promise, and I was so asisted by faith to rely upon itt that in a manner itt overcame all my feares.

To confirme itt is nott in vaine to beleeve and expect promised mercys, within few days there came severall letters both to Sir C. H. [Charles Howard], his lady, and my selfe, that C. B. [Colonel Bampfield] had made his escape outt of the Gatehouse just the night before hee was to have beene brought to his tryall. None then could give accountt how or by what meanes hee had gott outt, butt afterwards I was informed by the person hee employed, that having with much dexterity conveyed into him a glase of aqua fortis, hee, with that and much paines, cutt the iron bars of the window asunder, butt lett itt stand by a litle hold till the time was fitt to make use of itt, and then, having found meanes to appointt such as hee relyed upon to bee under the window at such a time as the guards were past that tour, hee tooke the ropes of the bed and fastened them to some part of the window, and so wentt downe by them, butt his weight made them faile, and hee fell downe nott without hurt, butt the next [p. 35] dificulty was a pailing that was aboutt the verge of the window, butt his asistants by standing upon one another's shoulders, reached over to him and gott him over the pailing, and so escaped the fury of his enemys; which many was glad of, and more had joyned with them if they had nott beene posesed with a prejudice against him for the injury they suposed hee had done mee in persuading mee his wife was dead when shee was alive.¹⁰

Butt hee nott being now in a capacity to vindicate himselfe, itt was easy to lay upon him what guilt they pleased; butt all that his enemys could alleadge never prevailed with mee to lessen one graine of my concerne for him, because all they could say was the report that shee was living, butt they never named the person that could testify itt from there owne knowledge, except such as might bee biased by what I have mentioned allready. I cannott butt acknowledge I had great satisfaction in the news of his escape, and, though I was sometimes disturbed because I heard nott from him where hee was or how, yett I pleased myselfe with the hopes hee was well and secure, and so the better dispensed with my wantt of letters, since I knew he could nott convey them withoutt hazard of being discovered.

Itt is nott to bee imagined by any pious vertuous person (whose charity leads them to judge of others by themselves,) butt that I looked upon itt as an unparaleld misfortune, how inocentt so ever I was, to have such an odium cast upon mee as that I designed to marry a man that had a wife, and I am sure none could detest mee so much as I abhored the thought of such a crime. I confese I looked upon itt as the greatest of afflictions; butt, that I might nott sett limitts to myself, the Lord thought fitt to shew hee could make mee suffer greater and yett suport mee under them.

The first Sunday that my health and strengh would permitt mee to goe outt of my chamber, I went to the chapell in the morning (with the rest of the familly) to offer up thanksgiving to my God who had raised mee from the gates of death; and affter dinner retiring into my chamber, as I usually did, the door beeing locked and I alone, I was reading a sermon with which I was very well pleased, butt on a [p. 36] sodaine I was so disordered and in so great an agony that I thought itt nott fitt to be alone, and all the servantts beeing at dinner, and none within my call, I wentt imediately to Mr. N. [Nicholls] chamber, who was much surprised seeing mee come in so much disordered.

I freely told him every circumstance, imagining hee was a person fitt to intrust with any disorder of my soule, and desired his prayers;¹¹ which the Lord blest with so good succese, that I imediately left trembling, and found a great serenity both of mind and body. Having giving him thanks for the great concerne hee shewed for mee, and had his promise to conceale what I had comunicated to him, I left him to goe and make myselfe ready for attending my Lady H. [Howard] to the chapell, thinking myselfe as secure of what I had said to him as if itt had beene within my owne breast, where itt should have beene still if I had then beene aquainted, as I have beene offten since, with the effects of melancholy vapours, butt having never known them before in others or my selfe made them apeare the more dreadfull; but those who have experience of them will I hope have the more charity for mee when they consider what effects they have had upon themselves.