So she tells herself that, closes her eyes, and tries to will herself back to sleep. But she knows already that's not going to work so easily.
It's not even the dream she just had that is already raging inside her brain. In fact, she can barely remember it. There's no need for dreams to haunt her, when real life memories will do a better job at it.
Percy, twice falling dead before her. His body turning cold and inert, untouched by her and Vex's magic. His still being there, his still being dead, and her unable to do a thing about it. The dead body of Tiberius mixes in with it too; not long ago enough for this.
She supposes, really, she should've been more upset over Tiberius, since there was no hope of resurrection for him. But Percy has been her best friend, as dear to her as a brother. Just watching him die tore her apart. She doesn't know how she's supposed to manage without him.
Besides, there's a lot she doesn't know about how resurrections work, but one thing she does know is there's always a chance of failure. And that's when there isn't a creature like Orthax potentially in the picture. It's not just grief and pain that's besieging her now. It's terror. She needs for tomorrow to come, so they can try to get him back. But part of her doesn't want it to come, because it could be the day when they lose him forever.
And while all of that should be the thing currently playing over and over in her mind the most while she lies there, it actually isn't.
No, that's the sight and the feel of the vines tightening themselves around Anna Ripley's throat even as Vex's arrows flew into her. Of them helping wrench the lower part of her body apart. Also, there's the joy that flooded Keyleth's heart as she saw the men do their brutal work, all three of them as dark as she ever saw them, and as she herself unleashed her pain, her fury, her need to see this woman dead, and pulled, and pulled, and pulled.
Nothing is better. Percy said that, after he had his revenge over half of those who had killed his family. And he was right. Anna Ripley being dead doesn't make Keyleth feel any better.
And yet she's not sorry, and knows she'll never be sorry, and not just because they had to kill her to make sure she never made any more of those guns. Knows she'd do it again, and just as brutally.
Keyleth has become aware, since they took that second journey to Pyrah, and she saw the devastation laid upon her fellow Ashari, of a good deal of rage within her, and also of a new savagery she once would've never thought herself capable of. One that seems likely to come rising to the surface when she next lays eyes on the one responsible, and she thinks she might actually be okay with that. Still, it has possessed her now, dictated her behavior, without her even consciously choosing to let it. She might have chosen to let it anyway, but the loss of control still disturbs her.
After half an hour of lying there, trying in vain to quiet her brain enough to drop off again, she pulls herself up. Just into a sitting position, and she tries not to look at the table and the great covered lump upon it.
Her eyes instead fall on Vax, asleep next to her. How many times, now, have thoughts of him eased her into her rest? Of his smile, of things he'd said or done to make her laugh, or even his words when he'd defended her. Perhaps if she lays there and looks at him for a while, she could fall asleep that way.
Except that the memories of him that flood her head aren't so innocent anymore. She can just make out his mouth in the darkness, and it's no longer just his smile that comes to mind. The memories of that second night before they entered Ank'harel are especially strong. By the end of it, there wasn't an inch of her body that hadn't known his love.
That body which is now suddenly hot and itching, needy, and Keyleth thinks she might know what she needs to sleep. If she can get Vax to give it to her. It's what he was planning to anyway, but probably not at all in the manner either of them had in mind. There's a lust filling her of a kind she's never known before. Although it's hardly the first time Vax has provoked that in her.
They have the potion, at least. Vax managed to find it in the bazaar. "When we have a night back in Whitestone," he said when he showed it to her, and that was a good plan up until right now, when she can't wait until then anymore.
Vax stirs, as if he somehow knows. Seeing her sitting up, he just stares, confused, until Keyleth reaches into his pack by him, fishes out the potion, and beckons. For a moment she fears he'll refuse, but then he nods, and they hoist themselves to their feet.
They slip up the stairs as quietly as they can manage, and up to a bedroom where the mattress is still there. They won't need any blankets. Keyleth is struggling to figure out what she'll say to him, how she'll make the request, but the moment the door's closed behind them he's kissing her anyway, nearly slamming her back against it in his passion-but he stops himself, puts an arm behind her for her head to fall against.
The resulting disappointment confirms to Keyleth exactly what she needs right now. When Vax finally pulls away, she at last says it, "Fuck me."
He has to have persumed he'd do as much. But maybe he recognizes what she means in her tone, because when she finally lights a hand up to see him properly, he's become the one standing there, shocked by her words. But just so there's no misunderstanding, she holds out the potion, and says, "Get me onto that bed and make it hard. I...I want it to hurt. I need it to hurt. I need to limp back down there sore and worn through, and maybe then I'll finally get back to sleep."
When he looks like he wants to protest, she says, "It's supposed to hurt the first time anyway, right?"
"Not necessarily. Especially if you're more physically active." But he sounds doubtful. And, well, he knows her cunt, knows its size. And she's held his cock in her hands, even filled her mouth with it. She knows these things stretch, but she's pretty sure there'll be pain, at least this first time.
"Please," she pleads with him, "I need something, and...and...I feel like if you try to be nice, if you try to be romantic..."
"I know," he says, "believe me, Kiki, I know why you think you need this, and maybe you're not entirely wrong. But I'm not going to leave you bleeding until morning." He stops and thinks for a moment, then reaches out and takes the vial. "In any case, they advise you to give this potion a few minutes to make sure it's kicked in. At least allow me some foreplay first. I think I might need to touch you anyway."
Of course he does. Keyleth gamely disrobes as he downs the potion, and then just drops the empty vial to the floor. She keeps the flame up just long enough to light a candle by the bed, then turns to take in the raging hunger she can see Vax is barely holding back. At the sight of that, Keyleth has to sit down, her limbs suddenly feeling like they wouldn't hold her up anymore. It doesn't help matters that he's starting to undress, and every inch of his skin newly visible is fanning the hot flame inside her, the need to have his body crushed against her own.
He's had to restrain himself, Keyleth knows, because she wouldn't have. From the moment she first let herself, she's wanted him, and she's wanted very badly to fulfill every desire for her he might have. That first night, she probably would've done anything if he'd actually asked her to, no matter how afraid or uncomfortable she was about it. It's Vax who's turned more careful, who's insisted they establish her boundaries as well as his own. That's something she's since become grateful for.
But at this moment, Keyleth is scared of exactly one thing-and that's not something that's can happen until they get back to Whitestone-and absolutely nothing else. Now, she looks up at him, and wonders if she could somehow get him to finally let go completely.
It's not at all graceful, how they come together. Their arms knock into each other, and his knee hits her leg painfully. Their mouths take too long to find each other, but then they're there, and his has never felt hotter. His weight pins her down, his hands grab at whatever parts of her they can find. Hers find his neck, his chest, lingering bruises on his body that she tries to skirt over, but she can barely control her hands enough to keep them from flaming up again.
Vax presses frantic kisses down her neck and chest, clearly heading downwards. For a moment Keyleth wants to just let him. After the way he made her feel with his mouth between her legs once already, she probably would most nights. But on this one, she feels the lack of him pressed against her, and she tugs him back up with a, "Stay here with me, please."
He goes with it, moving one of his hands down instead even as the other takes hold of one of hers. She keeps her other in his hair, grip tightening as his fingers find her clitoris. After two nights of touching her, Vax knows how to do it, how to use his strokes to send shivers through her limbs, coaxing her body open before he presses first one, then two fingers in. Except then Keyleth shoves herself onto them way harder than she has before, catching him by surprise, and then again, harder still, her need getting stronger and stronger with every passing second.
She's wet enough now for Vax to push a third finger in. That stretches enough to sting, and yet it's still not enough. Their faces are now close together, and now that Keyleth has seen Vax's when he's desperate, she can tell he's getting there fast. One last please from her, and he nods, and pulls out his hand. Keyleth's legs fall open without her telling them to; she can feel her heart hammering in her chest.
Eyes closed, she waits for him to just shove it in. Instead, she feels him carefully shuffling closer, too slowly, and she whines. Forcing her eyes open, she looks up at him impatiently, but he shakes his head. It seems there's only one way he's willing to do this to her for the first time.
Even when he's going slow, it still hurts. Keyleth takes it all in: the pain, the heat, the faint shiver of pleasure even with the pain, and, above all else, the feeling of being pressed open and filled with his flesh, deeper than his fingers could go. Also his body lined up above hers, even as he tries to hold his weight up with his free arm, and his heavy breathing, which probably isn't even as loud as her own, but still resounds as thunder in her ears.
At his first, still all too careful thrusts, Keyleth still tries to move both her hands away from him; she can feel them getting too hot already. Vax tightens his grip on the hand that's holding his, murmuring, "None of that, Kiki, not now. You're not the only one here who'd prefer pain to that."
That should shock her. But she, too, understands why.
So she uses her other hand to take hold of Vax and pull him down, takes more kisses and lets his mouth muffle her moans as the pain starts to fade and pleasure starts to build up in its place. She can't be too loud, she knows, and she thinks she could be tonight, louder than she's ever been before. Concentrating on keeping it down makes it harder to keep her hands from getting just a little too hot, and Vax gasps as one particularly deep thrust causes the hand on his back to flare up, just a little bit, not enough to seriously hurt him, but enough for him to feel it.
Keyleth sees his eyes darken, and she sees it when he snaps.
A moment later she's pushed back and up into the mattress, and then again, and again, as Vax finally starts to really fuck her, hard and fast and letting his body bear her down. Even as she rises up to meet him with a primal fervor, hungrily taking as much of him as she can get, almost as if she could merge the two of them completely if they both try for it hard enough.
This is what she needed, to just be overwhelmed, until there's nothing in her world but him, and her, and their bodies moving together hard enough to rock the bed, and everything she's feeling, from the electric pleasure now wracking her body, to the even more overpowering passion and want coursing through her and driving her as she wraps her limbs around him tighter, gets her head and hands close enough to feel the thrumming of his heart, presses her lips to every part of him they can find.
She doesn't even know how long it lasts, only able to want more, and more, and more, even as Vax tenses up beneath her hands, and one of his hands streaks back down to her clitoris. And of course that always feels good, but now only a few seconds of rubbing sends fire flaring upward, and Keyleth's entire body trembles as her release roars through her. She feels like she's being blasted apart from within, and it's so good she doesn't know how she doesn't lose her head completely.
Yet even as everything else goes white with ecstasy, she still feels it when Vax comes, hears the changes in his breathing that are rapidly becoming familiar to her as his thrusts stutter, then stop as he shudders against her, then collapses on top of her.
The world comes back as they both pant for breath. The high gives way to pain again, aches and soreness, especially when he pulls out. Keyleth feels raw and stripped bare in a way she's never felt. Being so exposed like that makes it hard to look Vax in the face for a moment or so-but as soon as she does, she sees he's in a pretty similar state. Under her fingers she feels his back burnt, though nothing a quick healing spell doesn't take care of. He moans slightly as she casts it, then leans down and nuzzles her weakly, making her aware of how much she's drained him.
"Kiki..." Her nickname, come from his lips, never sounded so intense, or so broken. Vax is still limp against her, but he's got his head raised so he can gaze at her with all that impossible adoration. Though even through that, she can see the pain that's been haunting him, the tiredness, the determination to fight through it. She reaches out and traces a finger across his face, and he does the same, and even after all they've done, the intimacy of it is searing. "I love you so fucking much."
"So fucking much," she agrees, because that's as much as her tongue can wrap itself around right now. She hopes he gets it. Maybe if he doesn't, she'll say it to him a bunch of times as soon as she's able.
The amenities of the mansion include a pitcher full of water and towels in the corner of most of the bedrooms. Eventually the two of them pull themselves up to use it, though Keyleth's limbs still feel heavy, and Vax is still moving slowly and tiredly. Dressing takes whatever's left of their energy after that, to the point that they both just fall back against each other on the mattress when they're done.
"We have to go back downstairs," she murmurs. "They'll freak out if they wake up and we aren't there."
"I don't want to sleep away from them, either."
"Nor do I." And she doesn't. Even though it's hard, she wants to stay with all of them, even Percy.
It's only by leaning against each other that they force themselves to their feet. Reaching down to pick up the empty vial nearly results in Keyleth stumbling to the floor, and she doesn't know if she would've been able to get back up again. They're less than steady going down the stairs. At least Keyleth can be sure she's fall asleep the moment she collapses at her spot next to the table. She still tries not to look at Percy as she does so.