Will I remember her? he silently asks the Raven Queen. Will I remember Vex? Will I remember any of them?
It frightened him, her realm, in a way it hadn't before that day. It's not even how dark and cold and lonely it was; he could face all that. It's that this time, he felt the effect it had on him. His heart feels colder now, and he's been fighting a feeling of distance from events since he got back. And that's just from a few hours.
When he next meets with Vex after this battle, it will, hopefully, have been a century and a half. When he nexts meets with Keyleth, it ought to be well over a thousand years. Even if he does remember their names, does remember all his friends, what use will that be, if he can feel nothing for them by the time they die?
Looking at Keyleth now, Vax still feels so much. And it's hard for him to imagine beholding her and not being overcome with love and adoration. He's letting it flow through him now, trying to commit the feelings to memory.
There are so many people he could do this for. He conjures mental images of them instead. It is easiest for those who sleep here with them in the Feywild; he can even hear Grog's faint snores when he remembers nights on the road, all of them huddled together for warmth. He thinks of Shaun, and Allura and Kima, wishes them strength to get through the hour this will be for them. Of Tary, probably now begun his journey back to Wildemount.
Of Korrin, and of all the friends he's made this year in in Zepyrah, whom he cheerfully said goodbye to only a few weeks ago, none of them knowing he'd never see them again. That's a whole new pain to lance through him, another thing he still can't imagine being indifferent to-but he knows what's to come could make it so.
Ironically, it's words from Ellaila, now happily married and living her own life, but making sure to drop in on Keyleth now and then, that hang in his head, "You strike me as a happiness an Ashari leader isn't supposed to get to have." She went on to say how happy she was to see Keyleth have it anyway, had no reason to think she might lose it.
Nor, in all probably, has she ever had any idea of how her old friend once felt about her. That's one of the many things about Keyleth only Vax knows.
One of the many things where soon, there'll be noone to know them.
It's not even just himself he's worried about when it comes to the future preservation of a heart and a soul. Even when he hoped to live a full life out with Keyleth, he feared what would happen to her, she who loved so much and so deeply, when she started losing all the people she loved, and he hopes she will love others, but then she'll lose them, too. How much pain can a heart take, before even the softest one has to grow hard?
How much will losing him now speed up that process? Vax actually doesn't think it will immediately, but he knows she'll feel this loss for years, maybe even decades. He fears in a century and a half's time, when his sister dies, it'll cause it to spring anew for her, all over again.
He supposes he might not remain in total ignorance of how everyone will fare. The Raven Queen has now had the chance to import a bit more information to him of what his future duties will be as her champion, and it will on occasion involve him in the affairs of this world; he might even come back into it for brief moments, at her bidding.
And even when he wouldn't, and she might even keep him from his friends, she herself certainly keeps track of what's going on. She's been doing so for the lot of them since she first found them in the tomb of her previous champion-and now she'll have to keep doing so, thanks to the understanding the two of them came to, in these last few hours he's been dead again.
She's certainly not the only one at the moment, either. The gods are seemingly all communicating with each other about these people who have come to receive their favor. There even seems to be some gossiping going on, and between gods Vax certainly wouldn't expect it from. At least enough so that the Matron has now passed on to him what Pelor sensed inside his sister when she plunged into his holy fire.
Vax doesn't think she knows yet. He doubts it was planned. Hells, it's all too possible she'll find out from a miscarriage; the battlefield is no place for a woman who wants to keep her baby. Though she hasn't suffered one so far, even when she was briefly dead, and that gives him hope she'll get through the rest of this without it happening.
Of course, even if she does, she and Percy will still inevitably have children. De Rolos must have their heirs, and Vax knows Vex wants children, too. Nieces and nephews he won't get any time with, who will know him only from their mother's stories. To some extent, the thought that he'll miss meeting the first of them by so little taunts him. But it would've been worse for him to not know. It's still a consolation he can hold on to, one more person who'll see to it that his sister won't be at all alone.
That is a comfort, he thinks, to know those he love won't be alone. He wishes, more than ever, that Vex and Percy had only waited long enough to have him at their wedding, but at least he knows now they have each other for good. He's also more glad than ever Scanlan is now back with them, and indicating that at the very least, he won't cut himself off completely again any time soon. Pike and Grog, too, will remain in their circle, and Vax very much hopes they haven't seen the last of Tary, either.
But even there, he can't be as consoled when it comes to Keyleth. She'll be less supported at home, with only an aging father left to love her, burdened with responsibilities that will leave her with only so much time to be where her other friends are.
I need to keep helping her. The realization wraps himself around him like his armor, a thing he absolutely must do, no two ways about it, period. A simple fact, unshaken even by the additional fact that he has no idea how to do it. Instead, that just further fuels a feeling of determination, not necessarily stronger than those he's felt before, but it settles down deeper within him, an eternal commitment of the kind the living aren't ever in position to make.
And the mistress he'll be going to serve soon can thinks what she wants about it. He's accepted her demand, yes, and that by itself is just fine. But she knows he ultimately did all of it for people other than himself, and she ought to realize what that means. And this new feeling, he instinctively knows, she and her realm can never destroy. Maybe he can even preserve more of himself within it than he'd keep otherwise. Bury it all down, maybe not hidden, exactly, but kept out of sight and mind, until it comes time to act on it.
Keyleth sighs in her sleep, and shifts over; her head was already more facing him than not, but now her arms fall over him. She now has bourn his cold touch without flinching while awake, but even with her asleep, Vax still tenses up when one of her hands finds the bare skin of his, still expecting it to shy away.
There's just enough light filtering in for some of her freckles are still visible. Vax spent the year he had with her trying to memorize them. He never quite managed it for them in their entirety, but those on her face he can see with his eyes closed. He wants so badly to touch, that would wake her for sure.
So instead, he keeps watching. He's so close, he can see her throat rising and falling as she breathes. Everything around her is warmth. Vax has, in the past, joked to himself-and to her, once-that she might radiate just a little sunlight even when she isn't casting any spells. Now, he thinks he could be brought to believe it, if he only had a little more time.
Even while she continues to sleep, Keyleth's arms continue to move. One of her hands finds his back; Vax can feel a little extra warmth against his armor. He thinks that her fingers are pressing pretty hard against him, even as he can see her other hand sprawled out by his head, fully relaxed, but maybe inching toward him as well. She hasn't tried to cling to him too much while awake, but maybe right now she can't help herself.
Cling, my fierce, beautiful Kiki, Vax mentally says to her. Cling until you rip away a part of me; it should be so easy to do so. Keep it safe for me until we meet again.
If he lasts long enough tomorrow, maybe she'll pull it off.
He's just telling himself he does need to sleep, and closing his eyes, when he hears a strange caw, from somewhere maybe not too far off, although who knows in this realm. It's probably not a raven; the birds are different here. But it kind of sounds like one.
For a moment he thinks he should resent that. But when he doesn't, he's not going to force the feeling. The Raven Queen is with him anyway, has always been this past year. He had even found himself spotting ravens in Zepyrah, at least every few days, and often thought they were looking at him. That's not even been something he's never been glad for.
And in another moment, he's glad for it again. Because as he closes his eyes at last and settles into his beloved's embrace, the beginning of an idea starts to form in his head.