Julian and Ezri are in bed, minding their own business, when suddenly Jadzia runs in in a translucent nightgown.
Jadzia: Ezri, you're in my place in that bed! Move out of the way!
Julian and Ezri both look up. Julian's jaw drops and pretty soon he's not in a state to say anything.
Ezri: I thought you were dead! I must have accidently summoned you up by saying something. What did I say last night? (starts repeating everything she's said during sex) Julian, help me out here!
Julian:(glances at her) Huh?
Ezri:(sees the dirty look Jadzia is giving her) Well, I can't think of any good reason for this. How about you?
Jadzia: I think reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Julian: Maybe we should tell Worf...
Jadzia: And I think reports of my marriage have been greatly exaggerated as well-
At this point Jake Sisko comes in.
Jake: Julian, let me say this frankly, I belong in that bed, not you. Could you get out?
Julian: Why do people keep popping in on us?
Ezri: Beats me.
Jake:(sits down on the bed beside Ezri) Don't you remember the chemistry we had when we met? Or that conversation by the replicator? You were even standing next to me in the finale! We were on the promo together! You can't leave me now!
Ezri: Oh, Jake!(they start kissing, and tumble off the bed)
Jadzia:(saunters over, and leaps onto the bed) Now that they're out of the way...
Julian:Are you sure this is a good idea?
Jadzia: Yes.
She and Julian start kissing, and he starts tugging at her nightgown. Jake and Ezri stop and look up.
Jake: Looks like he forgot about you...
Ezri: You know, I wish people would *ask* before using my bed. Guys!
No result.
Jake: On the count of three.
Ezri: Okay..one..two...three!
Ezri and Jake together: GUYS!!
Jadzia and Julian gaze downward.
Ezri: If you'll excuse me, my male friend here and I would like to use MY bed, so if you two could please go to your own quarters...
Worf enters.
Julian and Jadzia together: Oh no...
Worf: Doctor Bashir, I believe I should be in the bed which you are in-
Julian, Jadzia, Ezri, and Jake all together: GO AWAY WORF!!!!!!
Worf turns and leaves in a huff.
Julian: Much better.(he and Jadzia start to kiss again)
Ezri: NOT on MY bed!(sighs and bangs a handy site-to-site transport, transporting Jadzia and Julian to the bed in his quarters). Just one thing bothers me. I'm quite certain she died. I've even got memories of it.
Jake: Look!(he points to a thing on the floor which fell out of Jadzia's pocket.)
It's THE BOX!
Written by Agent C
In the meantime, Jadzia and Julian are back in Julian's quarters, and they've had their fun. Now Julian wants to clear up some unanswered questions...
Jadzia: Such as?
Julian: Such as, how far these spots really go down.
Jadzia: Aaaaand?
Julian: Aaaaand what you're doing here when you were presumed dead for so long.
Jadzia: (pfff) Oh, yeah, leave it to Rick Vermin and Company to screw up the cloning experiment. They tried to clone Joey Summerskill from Hellraiser Three, but they used the wrong DNA strand and here I am. They just said, 'Oh, heck, nobody's going to notice her spots,' and they sent me out in her stead.
Julian: Why did they try to clone her in the first place?
Jadzia: They're going to unleash Pinhead and his cenobites on Deep Space Nine to kill everyone off and start all over again with a bunch of orangutans.
Meanwhile, down below, Jake and Ezri have gotten very, very curious as to what's in The Box...
Julian and Jadzia have hastily gotten dressed and are running to the Defiant when they encounter CD the DJ. He starts slinging deadly CDs at both of them, but they duck aside, and Jadzia, knowing his weaknesses, blasts a Britney Spears tune at him. His arsenal shattered by such a force of evil more malevolent than his own, CD the DJ melts away through the deck. Jadzia and Julian continue on.
The next person they see is Camerahead. As one might expect, Vermin has hired him to film the demise of the DS9 crew one by one, then the new beginning. Jadzia fixes him by forcing him to shoot a remake of Spice World, and the rest goes without saying. On they go to the promenade.
Julian: How do you know all their weaknesses?
Jadzia: Hey, after figuring out Worf's weaknesses, it's a cinch to figure out anyone else.
Julian: No exceptions?
Jadzia: Well, a couple...I still have to figure out how to defeat Rick Vermin and Irate Stealin' Bear.
They reach the Promenade, but there's yet another obstacle for them to overcome. Ezri is dangling from the ceiling, wearing a leather head restraint, and Jake is nowhere in sight. On either side of Ezri stand Pinhead and Terri. And there's only one way for Jadzia and Julian to make it to the other side of the Promenade.
Pinhead: Ah! You're here. Welcome to the Promenade. My name is Pinhead, this is my loyal cenobite Terri, and soon, you will all bow down before me. (Smiles evilly, walking around the dangling Ezri.) What you are about to see is...An Extermination. And by observing, you have become part of that extermination. For I have hung a Trill from the ceiling, and I've been driving her crazy by forcing her to watch the worst Deep Space Nine episodes ever made! (He laughs evilly again, rolls a tape of "You Are Cordially Invited", and exudes a muffled shriek from Ezri. He goes over to her and puts his arm around her.)
Meanwhile, Jadzia has taken due notice that Pinhead has seen Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie WAY too many times, and an idea starts brewing.
Pinhead: This is our test subject, Ezri Dax. A hair-raisingly meek and mild little child who's managed to survive every episode we've subjected her to! But...perhaps...this episode will drive her off the deep end and blast the spots off her. And then, I'll unleash it on your unsuspecting crew, and then, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
As Pinhead is laughing maniacally, Terri smacks him, effectively shutting him up by driving his pins in a tad deeper.
Terri: WE will rule the world! And it's not a world, it's a space station, you...pinhead!
Pinhead: Oh yes, thank you, my dear. Well, you will join Ezri in watching...PENUMBRA!!!
Jadzia and Julian look at each other, horrified, but when they look back, they see Jake on the upper level of the Promenade. He grabs the chain from which Ezri is hanging, and starts to pull her up; Jadzia puts her plan into action quickly.
Jadzia: GO, JAKE!!!
Pinhead and Terri look up and see Jake pulling Ezri up. Before they can react to this, Jadzia whips out a tape of "Our Man Bashir" and rolls it, while Julian sings U2's "If God Will Send His Angels" at the top of his lungs. Pinhead is paralysed with horror by the sight of "Our Man Bashir," allowing Jadzia to tackle him, and a pack of angels descend and start to dance on him. With Pinhead out of the way, Julian starts pulling out his pins, and uses them to pin Terri to the deck.
Jake pulls Ezri onto the upper level, unchains her, and takes off the head restraint.
Ezri: Oh, Jake!!!
Jake quickly takes The Box out of his pocket before Ezri lays one on him, and he tosses it down to the lower level. Julian has to make a baseball runner's dive to catch it, which he does. Meanwhile, Jake and Ezri get so passionate that they fall into a turbolift, whose doors close on them.
Jadzia: Gimme that.
Julian tosses The Box to Jadzia, who uses it to cram Pinhead and Terri back through the gates of hell.
Julian: Well, is that it?
Jadzia: Not quite...there's one more person I need to take care of.
Julian gets up and follows her to the turbolift. They do their best to ignore Jake and Ezri behind them, but all that activity is starting to get to them. Finally they reach the right section, and Jadzia leads Julian to Worf's quarters. She goes in without knocking, just as Worf is getting ready to go to work.
Jadzia: Hey, Speed-Bumps! When you join the rest of the cenobites in here, you tell Vermin how bad he screwed up!
Worf: How could you--
Jadzia: Marry you? Good question! (She uses The Box to reunite Worf with Pinhead and the other cenobites, since that's probably where he came from anyway.)
Julian: Well, is THAT it?
Jadzia: Yes, THAT is IT. (She leads Julian back to the turbolift, where Ezri and Jake are still at it. After a few minutes, Jadzia and Julian can bear it no longer.)
Julian: Oh, Jadzia!
Jadzia: Oh, Julian! (They grab each other and follow suit with Ezri and Jake.)
THE END...or is it?